what i thought

when i asked you if you saw me in your future and you said ''i don't look into the future that much'' that was as if you had just spat on my heart. cause i know it may sound stupid but i did picture spending the rest of my life with you. and although i spoke negatively about young marriage and church couples it was out of fear that you didn't feel the same way. i didn't want to scare you off with talks of the future so i just bashed it. but i did think of walking down that isle and seeing your face. so much that when i heard this song i teared up cause i was like 'that's the song i'll walk down the isle' because it reminded me of the moment i fell for you. in august when we shared our first real kiss, my first real dream kiss. watching the stars fall down as we lay there not knowing what the future held for us. but i just felt at peace. and kinda dizzy when i got up. i think i actually did loose my balence cause i remember you laughing and asking if i was ok. i said it was cause we were laying down for so long. but really it was cause i was falling in love, and now im trying so hard to fall out of it for you. so you can move on be happier without me. but its killing me. it really is. and im so sorry. i really am. im sorry about the way you felt about me towards the end. i just wish you had told me sooner so i could've showed that i was working on those flaws. i really was and i still am.



i know its seems as though im torturing myself right now. but the only way to heal is to just accept the pain and go through it. im not going to ignoring it. i said this would be the year of no fear so im going to be brave and push through it even if it's alone. cause what if you do move on and find someone else? then that would just hurt even more than the situation does now. i need to heal, i do. this is a growing process but it's unbearably painful.