vulnerable

in order to love you have to be vulnerable. be comfortable with letting your guard down in order for someone to see you. all of you. exposed. no hiding the ugly inside but knowing they'll still love that part of you too. and i've always been a reserved person. i always take time to let people in my life. even longer to trust them and share stories of my past with them. so you could imagine it took me a long time to finally find someone to love. i was so damn vulnerable and open with you. and at times you were with me but you held somethings inside and i didn't force you talk about them. and somewhere between the high of being in love and content you just stopped. and i couldn't grasp it. i just don't understand. i gave you all of me. i was so bloody vulnerable and you just gave up and left me exposed. i feel as though it meant nothing. like you got bored of me. because the little you said the other day made no sense. you said you weren't happy but you loved me and that i deserved better than you. you can't decide that for me though. it just doesn't add up. something is missing. i just don't understand. now im just here naked & exposed trying to fix myself. and as im doing so i know the walls are getting built. they're going to be bigger and harder to get into than before. and it's going to take a hell of a long time for me to trust someone and let my guard down. i mean i already had fucking daddy issues to start off with... i hate this feeling. i want to rip out of my skin. im not me at the moment. im someone else. and its terrible. and i don't blame you for any of this, i blame myself for allowing myself to be so vulnerable.

& you know what sucks the most. is i truly did love your family and was looking forward to being a part of some day...