pathetic

i'm not myself. ive become something i despised. i feel so pathetic. sometimes i feel like all is fine and then moments later something triggers a memory and i choke back the tears. an example, today i met my mom after spending the night at a very wonderful, sweet, amazing new friends place. she was going to give me a lift home and decided she wanted to stop at value village to do some shopping. i hadn't told her what happened between us because i knew her heart would break knowing my heart was breaking. and she didn't notice anything wrong. i suppose i do a good job at pretending to be ok- well i suppose its cause i did the same thing back in grade 9/10. anyways we were in the shoe isle, then she decided to go to the washroom and i stayed in the isle. and all of a sudden a memory of you slowly approached and i tried pushing it back. it was the one of when we went to new west to do a check up on your car and we decided to go into salvation army to 1) hide from the rain 2) do what we did best-thrift shopping. you were such a great companion to shop with cause you were honest and knew my personal style. the memory of you left as my mom approached and my heart just ached. as she came nearer showing me some things she picked up on the way back i did my best to finish a sentence only to hide behind my scarf as my eyes became hotter. she hugged me which just made me cry. then she asked what was wrong. and it was so difficult to say it. cause each time i say it aloud it makes it more real. i then mutter amongst my choking that we broke up and she pulls back and shouts ''WHAT??''. a reaction ive received from the close ones of told. but there i was crying amongst old worn in shoes. she then said ''but you don't love him'' i looked at her with anger and said ''yea. i do.i do love him'' i mean why else would it hurt so damn much. but each person i tell it comes as shock to them. and i think thats what happend when i was saying the words for you. it came as a shock. i was numb. and the moment i closed the door i fell to the ground and did the whole ugly cry and i have been ever since. it's been on and off.

 it's just the second day and it seems to be getting worse. today as i soaked in the tub my quiet sobs turned to cries of pain. i literally felt my chest collapsing. i know it sounds cheesy but i actually feel my heart breaking.  everytime i remember what we had its as if someone is stabbing at my chest and my whole body twitches and collapses. today it hurt so much i was pretty much holding on to my neck gasping for air. i used to think it was pathetic how girls got all hung up over guys and cried for days. i thought if they leave you they're not worth it. but its different now that im experiencing it. i wish you had done something terrible like cheated on me, or hit me, or called me the nastiest things possible. i wish you were a bad boyfriend. i wish you were a terrible and cold bestfriend. but you weren't. you were the best thing i was blessed to ever have. and that just makes it even more difficult to get over you. cause i didn't loose someone i loved but i lost the best friend i had. i used to run to you at times like these and i want to run to you know but i don't want to be a burden. i know my life has been diffifult and stressful and i thank you so much for helping me through all those hardships in my life. and im sorry you had to go through those hardships with me. it broke my heart watching you go through difficult things too. i just wish i could still be there. im sorry that these last few months id let the hardships get the best of me and id be negative. but you really did help me gain a new perspective on things. when i snapped it wasn't cause you were pointing out something wrong it's cause you were right. and then i tried to work on it. anyways...i just feel so pathetic now. every time i hear the ding of a new text i check it see if its you. and then i begin wondering if this as hard for you as it is for me. or if you even love me at all. or wondering if you'd ever have me back. i just feel so weak and confussed and really want this pain to disappear.
my mom and sis almost cried as i finished sobbing in the tub. they told me it broke their hearts to see me like this. that they just wanted to take my heart and wrap it in a cozy soft blanket and just embrace it delicately. but it kinda feels like my heart isn't with me. it's with you. and all thats left is large hole that twists every now and then causing the most horrible pain imaginable. i don't know when it'll end but i pray it's soon. i can't eat anything. i ate today because apparently im looking rather thin and pale. i forced it down. it's just when im filled with an emotion im actually full off of that emotion. i can't eat because my appetite for food is gone. not on purpose it just disappers... i don't know where im going with any of this i just needed to vent and i have no one to vent to. well i do but they don't know what to say. and neither do i. i don't know what to do...