unfiltered

"oh my eyes shall see light again

& my heart shall bleed right again"

i know it's difficult for others to comprehend when i say that i'm "good" or "okay" when asking about our break up. i can see the sadness in their eyes when they ask me. i see the way they wait and expect tears to stream down my face when asking about you or mentioning your name. but in reality i am doing quite well. and i don't mean it in a way that i  got over you so easily as if i never really cared or loved you because i did. i won't deny it, i did love you and i know at some point you loved me. but we both know that's not anymore. i moved on just like you asked. it wasn't easy but i braved it out and did it. 

i honestly didn't think i would be able to stop myself from loving you. i used to believe that when you fall in love it's only once, especially because i never in my life experienced what is was like to be loved by someone and love them in return. so when we fell in love i believed it was it. that we were to spend the rest of our lives together. you were my first kiss, my first love, the first one to see every ugly and broken part of me and i thank you for allowing me to do that. you showed me i was capable of allowing those walls i built up during the years to fall down. you taught me how to be less guarded. 

but now i look at love a different way. it's not just something scripted in movies, written amongst pages of poetry or told beautifully through stories. it's real and i'm happy i finally experienced it even if it was short of 2 years. i now believe it isn't a one time thing, people can love again. and i do believe eventually i'll find love again. i'm not looking for it now but that's not to say that i'm not waiting for it. it's such a wondrous feeling i'd be a fool to say that i wouldn't want to experience it again, even if it's with someone else. but i pray that the next time i fall in love it will be the last. yes, you were my first kiss and i pray the next to kiss my lips will be the last. i pray that whoever 'he' is will give me more than a lesson in love, and a good year, that he will give me his last name and a life time of the wonderfully blessed feeling that love is. i don't expect to find love within this year, well i mean i'm not planning on doing so this year. but then again i didn't plan on falling in love with you, it's something that just occurs. you don't quite know when you just all of a sudden feel it. and i don't know when or who or if God has someone in store for me later- i hope he does because i do want to get married and have children and i believe he wouldn't put those desires in my heart if he didn't have someone planned for me...

i know it's only been a month and one would assume i that i'm simply in denial. i'm not. i can't take credit for how fast my process of healing was. all i can do and will continue to do is direct it to God. i wouldn't have been able to get over you on my own, if i attempted to i'd probably be in the hospital for malnutrition because for those two days i did try it alone i wasn't able to eat a single thing. that's besides the point, all i'm saying is that all this strength in me to keep pushing forward comes from God. that may be hard to grasp for others but let me put it this way: if God can change a life within a split second of encountering him don't you believe he can do even more within a month? i truly believe he has and will continue to work through me and repair me.he has a lot of fixing to do in me, but he's got the best healing hands. i am forever thankful that. 

it's all because of God that i'm no longer broken or waiting for you to maybe change your mind. whatever his plan for me is i'll take it. he knows what he's doing.

However, just because i'm over you and us and what we were doesn't mean i'm not here for you. i always will be. we were friends before we became lovers and i do plan on keeping you as friend if you desire to keep me as a friend. whatever you need: be it space, time away from me, to vent, to discuss you're hectic school schedule or worries about things that stress you out or make you nervous i will always be here for you. i don't expect you to do the same for me if you don't want to. i understand. i really do. but just know i am here if you need someone to talk to or just someone who will listen. i honestly hope you believe me when i say that. like i said before, you know where i live, you have my number and you have my understanding and friendship- but only if you want it. i won't text you first for fear that you find it an annoyance. but i will answer if you happen to do so.


take care.