past, present, and future

i'll be turning 21 in a month...that is so odd.

wanna know something funny? when i was younger i honestly believed that by the age of 20 i would be married or living on my own or travelling. but i am not living any of those lives i had dreamed. well 1.) me married at the age of 20 seemed a tad ridiculous as i got older and realised that 20 wasn't as old as i had thought. also i'm in no means financially equipped to be married (nor do i have a partner haha). 2.) speaking of no sturdy finances I at this point would not be able to leave on my own, although it does feel like im living alone since my mom lives downtown with her boyfriend. she got a job downtown and it only makes sense to stay down there. but living in a place that is being paid for my someone else and decorated by someone else doesn't make this my own home. oh how i can't wait to have my own place decorated to my fancy as spotless as can be since i clean up after myself. 3.) travelling has always always alwaaaaays been on my heart. i've dreamt of italy since the age of 10. 10 years later and i've only seen italy throught photo albums of friends ventures and movies. but once again money plays a part in that situation.

well i'm tired of not being where i want to be. i want to put my dreams in action even if it means getting out of my comfort zone. i'm kinda thinking of hitting up Alberta to work hard and safe money once this semester ends and for the entire summer. then we'll see where i go from there. be it Toronto, Costa Rica, or back in this rainy city to finish up school. i'm still working out these plans. but one thing i know for sure. i need a better job and i need to learn how to drive. that's the next fear to face, the fear of being behind a wheel.

lately i've had this itch to just get into a car and drive. just to get lost in the beauty of the world. to feel the cold salt air from a new beach hit my face. to set up a tent randomly in the middle of who knows where or to camp in my non-existent car. i just want to see places i've never been. sit on top of mountains, lay in the middle of fields and forests, swim in new waters, taste new foods from small little cafes or restaurants. just grab a camera, a bag of clothes, blankets, and a map and just head out. i know this seems ridiculous at the moment seeing as how i don't have my licence, a car, or a camera, but i do believe it will occur. hopefully within the next few years. life is too short to get stuck in a rut. i'm not living the way i want and that needs to stop. 

i'm a firm believer in doing what makes you truly happy- heck that's why im pursing art. i know artists don't make a fortune but i'm not one to care about being wealthy. i don't see wealthiness as happiness, but the thing is without money i can't do what makes me happy.ironic i know. i don't need buckets of mula falling from the sky but just enough to travel somewhere knew every year would be greaaaaaaaaat. not having to worry about how to pay of bills would be lovely. i don't need new shoes, the latest trends, or to go out every weekend, i realize this now. i just want to not have to worry about something like money. and i pray every night that my kids will never ever have to worry about money in their life time. i pray that they'll grow up comfortably and happy, that they can do whatever their heart desires (be it dancing, playing music, playing sports, getting various degrees) without wondering how to pay for it. i don't want them to be spoiled brats, they'll be grateful, hardworkers and know they're blessed. that's what i pray for every night. i don't ever want them to face what i'm going through right now. the only thing i want them to worry about are their grades. oh gosh im crying right now. what's wrong with me haha. it's not even pms this time...