spilled it

Ever since that ridiculous idea crept into my mind I can't get rid of it. Each time I think of him, who he is, who he's becoming, how he makes me feel- I fall deeper and deeper into what seems to be a bottomless lake or sea of uncontrollable feelings. I feel caught in them and I can't quite tell if it's good or bad: one moment I'm floating along enjoying the calm warm joyous feeling of sweet comments and what seem like hints at something happening between us and then the next I'm being dragged by the current getting taken under waves of confusion and being bashed against rocks of being nothing. I wish this thought never popped into my mind, I hate to be consumed like this especially when I don't know the outcome. I can't remove this goddamn thought no matter how hard I try to distract myself with something or someone else, it's as though it has been crazy glued to my brain. I can't unthink it. I want to cuss at couples or just drink jars of rum like Captain Jack Sparrow and sail away on these angry seas to an island.

I want you. You're not just a friend, I consider you my best friend and you know how long it takes someone to get to that level of trust in my life. I just don't want to fuck this over, I can't bare to loose you again. I'm sorry I friendzoned you a couple years ago, but I was completely unaware you were interested in me. I was oblivious and now you are, and I don't know what do to or to say or how to act around you. Part of me just wants to pull you aside the next time I see you and spill everything out and just declare how much I like you; the other half wants to push you away and let you do your thing. You've got a heavy load for courses and I don't want to be a distraction or burden, I want you to be successful. But I also want to be selfish, I don't want you to find someone else because I found you first. I kinda feel like you were mine first although you never actually belonged to me. The thought of seeing you with someone else, oh how it makes a mob of Huns look like Mr. Rogers, it's sickening. If you asked me I would just blurt it out as if I had terets. I don't know how long I can keep this secret from you... I've never been successful at keeping things hidden from you...eff. Why now? Why is my timing such shit?