Numinous

Numinous (adj.) 

nu·mi·nous //ˈn(y)o͞omənəs

- describing an experience that makes you fearful yet fascinated, awed yet attracted

- the powerful, personal feeling of being overwhelmed and inspired 

- having a strong religious or spiritual quality; indicating or suggesting the presence of divinity

I'd say that encapsulates the emotions of today.

Woke up inspired & fascinated with small things; the light that stepped through my window and danced with a few of my favourite belongings. As I thought of a new painting composition the day took a slight turn when my inebriated father returned from his ice fishing trip. He's a harmless drunk, like a little child just seeking attention. Looking for someone to listen to his stories and be in awe of what he has to say. However, today my patience for his presence was short and I didn't listen to Thumperés advice. 

He came into my 'studio' asking to paint on my canvas, as he usually does when he's under the influence, and I replied no (as I always do). He continued to tease and whine like a little child asking why and adding ''Don't you trust me? I can create something amazing too'' to which I firmly stated ''You can paint with your own paint and materials. Not mine.'' He still stood there so I added ''I'd like to paint now" implying he should leave. I felt rude but that isn't even the worse part. He continued to smirk and replied ''What? You can't paint with me here?'' as he giggled and swayed. Then unfiltered words spat out a venomous sentence: ''Not with your drunken self here, it's ruining my serenity.'' He looked taken a back and confused and laughed ''Oh, is that how it is?'' still upbeat and untroubled. And there I stood cold and fed up ''Yes. It is.'' 

As he closed the door I stared at my blank canvas, the spark of creativity and awe had scurried away as the feeling of sadness, hopelessness, & anger slithered in. It caused salt water to seep out of my eyes slowly -though I tried terribly to keep them in. I gave up fighting them and took a second bath for the day, this time to hide my sobs amongst the running water. It's a trick I learned during my adolescent years of a slight depression. Not to brag, but I've also mastered crying in silence. It's not a pretty sight but if no one can hear it, no one will see it. And if no one can see it than I can get it over and done with and out of my system to carry on with the day.

While soaking for an hour I was left with my thoughts. That's when I began to feel overwhelmed. I haven't felt that way in quite some time. I was momentarily inflated with fear and worry and felt like I would float away and burst like a lost and lonely balloon. I felt utterly alone. 

Thank God for God who gently smacks you out of your nonsense to tell you he's there with you. That he loves you. That it's in his hands. Sometimes I forget. I'm human.

I know he has a plan, he always does. I'm doing my best to follow it. I have to learn to stop trying to run ahead of him when he's got a blindfold on me and is telling me to follow his voice to see the surprise that lies ahead. I know it'll be worth it. I just need to keep my ears tuned to his voice as he guides me.

''Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, 

let me walk among the waters. 

Wherever you have called me.''