agape

woah so darn true. and i can say my life is proof of that. i knew about god all my  life, was 'saved' various times as a child cause i never really understood what i was doing just raised my hand becausee i wanted a 'fire pass' -a for sure entrance to heaven cause hell didn't sound too great, but i didn't know of his love. heard of it but didn't truly feel it till a couple years ago at camp qwanoes when i fully let him into my heart. now i don't want to sound like a crazy religious christian the ones that sadly give the rest of us a bad name. Christianity isnt about forcing others to believe in our beliefs, or to judge others for their actions. we are flawed, imperfect and make mistakes. we are human. our duty is to fill out god's purpose for us, whatever it may be. his plan for our lives and each one is different. i believe more about my relationship with god and not in a religion. because of him my life is far better than what it could be if i didn't allow him in.

a few know about my past and my relationship with my mother. but i don't think they knew the extent. i was depressed, at one point you could say i was getting suicidal. i never planed out my death or anything, but i thought to myself there was no point to living if i was to cry every night and feel such pain. i believed that i was 'useless' 'worthless' 'good for nothing' 'pathetic'. i thought of cutting myself but then would hear a faint voice telling me not to, that i was loved. i knew it was god, so i'd tell the devil to get the hell out of my mind. and he would. but after despuits with my mom the emotions of unworthyness would come again and id listen to music, write, and draw to vent out my emotions. if i cried i'd bit down hard on my hands to send the pain there instead. now why on earth im i sharing this over the internet, i don't know. I suppose its cause on sunday during work the mariana's trench cd was playing and it reminded me of this darkish time. and how'd i'd lock myself in my room and listen to it cause it was how i felt. or i'd soak in the tub lock the door and blast the music so she wouldn't hear me cry. the next day i'd go to class smiling and laughing and acting like nothing happend. i burried my emotions during the day and dreaded the evenings. the judgements, the comparisons to my father, the put downs coming from the only one that i believed. that all changed the moment i felt god's love. i finally opened my heart and softened it to feel this love.

his love is pure and never ending. and there's a word for this love that no one else could possibly give.

AGAPE: love of God or Christ for mankind, a love that is selfless and spiritual, unconditional.

and you know what, we don't deserve it. scratch that, before Jesus took on our hideous sin and hate and got pinned to a cross and died for mankind we didn't deserve it. and thanks to this selfless love we recieve the most pure undying love and grace. it makes no sense, we do wrong and we get amazing crazy love like no one can give. we are forgiven, we are saved, we have someone to run to in times of need- only if we wish. most reject him, yet he still loves on them. you think your parents and family adore you but it is nothing compared to his, he is always there. just waiting for you to seek him, he's gentle and won't force you to come to him. so he'll hint at you, and wait but will shower you with love. you just need to realize it and accept it. it's that simple. allow him into your heart and he'll change your life; he'll mend and transform your heart, release your burdens that you may have gotten used to carrying, slowly change your perspective, erase your insecurties. he'll give you the desires of your heart, all you have to do is ask.


because of this love i can say i'm not depressed, im not insecure, im not worthless. my life is going somewhere and i will do great things with it with him leading my way bit by bit. i am loved, i am confident, i am creative, i am faithful, passionate and strong and nothing is impossible through he who strengthens me.

             i just had a bit of an itch to share that, i hope that whoever needed to read it stumbles upon this.
just letting you know you are loved by someone so great and powerful and wonderous.there's nothing you can do to make him stop loving you, to make him love you less or make you love more. you don't even have to return the favor his love will still be there, but what's a relationship if only one gives the love right? i think he'd smile if you at least acknowledge it, even it was for a mere second :)