knee deep

On days like today, where I burst out into burning tears of anger, frustration and just straight up tiredness, I wish I were an emotionless robot. I can't do this anymore. I'm fed up being the caring person that has been too concerned in protecting my baby sister and not ruining her childhood and allowing her to keep her innocence and be stress free so instead I take all the hits. For what? For her to just leave the house when ever she pleases not letting me know ever where she is until an hour or two after I finally send a text asking? For her to leave the house a mess then go off and hang with her friends on her days off leaving me to clean up after my long day of work? For her to go shopping every week, purchase SLR's and leave for two weeks to Mexico while I pay for food and try to pay off my debt that isn't actually mine? A debt I am now in BECAUSE I stayed to take care of her and make sure there was food in my fridge and a roof over our head when I was out of employment and going to school. No. It's just not fair. I'm not one to think about "what if" or "man, I regret doing that" because I do believe that everything happens for a reason. That we are exactly where we need to be and no matter how hard it is that there is always a bit of beauty or lesson to be gained out of it. Well right now, I wish I had left when I had the chance. Back when I worked at a factory and was making a very steady and good income and was saving half of it. I had the chance to move out, and I debated leaving my mom and sister and living on my own. I didn't. It wasn't due to fear of fending for myself because well let's face it I've always been an independent person and that's why it takes me so long to let my guard down and let people in. I'm actually happy in my solitude than having company with too many issues. Anyways, I stayed because I did no want to leave my little sister with my mom because at that time my mom was very negative and abusive with her words and I didn't want her to grind my sister down into feeling like complete and utter nothingness.

So I stayed, and soon after my mom went bankrupt and lost her job and so I wound up paying for the full rent and groceries. That was fine, I had a full time job and a savings account. I was there to help support my family. My mom then found a job just before I debated not going to school to continue to help support them, because of her finally attaining what I believed would be permanent job position. I bid farewell to the factory and hello to University. I had paid my tuition in full money from my hard work. Not a penny lent. About a month into classes my mom lost her position and was back in the search for work, thankfully I had still had money in my savings for I to was in a job search. I landed a job for the company I still work for now, but at that time I was getting 4-6 hours a week because of my school schedule and me being simply a seasonal employee. It was at that point that I had to use my Visa and well my credit is now ruined. I have a full time job now and I'm not attending school anymore just so I can pay it all off but it's difficult when I'm paying for rent, groceries, bills, transportation and learning how to get back into the habit of budgeting. I think what hurts the most, and the reason why  I feel so worn out and pathetic is because I was there for them, I stayed for them so they wouldn't starve or be homeless at a time where I was financially stable to live on my own without that 'burden' and now that the tables have turned where are they? My moms living in Mexico, working her butt off I know to eventually pay me back for the money I lent her years ago. And my sister also working and making a good income but having no respect for me or appreciation for the things I have sacrificed for her, as if she feels a sense of entitlement to it. But have I received help from them? Only once, for a bit of rent because I was short on my paycheck and had bought food instead forgetting rent was due the day before my next payday, and I'm constantly reminded of that. As though I owe her the world because of something that is mere pocket change to her. I am just fed up. And here I am sharing my sob fest woe is me story to strangers. Not because I want you to feel bad, but because I just need to let it all out in order for me to feel better.

I know I shouldn't, but I can not help but think what my life would have been like if I left when I had the chance. What places would I have seen? Would I be graduating school by now?

Either way, those questions have no value. It`s been done, I stayed and here I am knee deep passed the half way point and I just need to keep treaking. God WILL turn this dessert into beauty. I just need to keep moving and FOCUS.