hows your day?

warning: if you get angered easily when im writing how i feel when im confused then simply don't read the following cause it's gonna be a long ass post full of ranting.

shit. i miss the days when no one i knew read my posts, or the ones that did understood where i was coming from. made venting so much easier cause it was honest. this blog, if y'all don't know (well blogs for most people actually) is like a diary. a way to express how your feeling that day, you choose what you wish to share and what you don't. i feel  i need to write whatever emotions are in me, cause i've done the whole bottle everything up and keep it do yourself thing and that part of my life was full of hate,darkness, & depression. so i've learned that in order for me not to spiral back down to that part of life, i'd like to forget cause it hurt so damn much, i just write. now why don't i actually write this out in a journal? well my hand would cramp real bad and i couldn't write everything i felt without it becoming sore,  i wouldn't be able to read the pages cause it was covered in tears and completely unreadable, or the pencil would be hazard on my part cause i'd be so angry i'd press down on the paper so hard to tear holes through the pages various times (no i never used it on my self, i'd just bite down on my hands to stop myself from crying and feel another form of pain that wouldn't leave scars)- so typing on a computer and hitting post to get it out of my system is simply better for me (mentally and physically). i usually end up deleting the posts that aren't exactly a feel-good-mood-attitude after cause i feel terrible and don't want anyone to think something of me after based on a sucki day- woah big surprise there. so forgive me if what you read doesn't please your ear, or confirms something not so great about me. people have flaws. also it sucks, cause no one truly understands the tone in voice when reading something. something that could just simple like me saying something like "woah your soo cool" could be taken seriously, like you actually cool, or in a sarcastic tone. or the words "grow up" could be taken in harsh manner, a sympathetic way, pitty, or a seriously worrying about you kinda way. just examples of how reading something normally isn't taken the way intended. but hey nothing i can do it, i just rant, ramble, over joyce, get stupidly giddy or hit rock bottom and i have no control on how your gonna take what i say. and i'm fine with it cause i'm the one with this blog, i'm the one writing what's going on or not going going on in my life. I've got the modern version of a pen and paper in the palm of my hands and you're all merely the readers taken on a journey through the deep ends of my mind, and i don't mind- just as long as im in control of what i can say and not say. so there it is, if wish to continue to read my blog well then go ahead, be my guest but this is my life and it's not always gonna be happy little gabs frolicking around in the sunshine all the time. i get confused, i get scared, i get angered, i get lost in the vastness that is life and it's various emotions- i'm only human after all. so this is the great moments, the crappy moments, and the unwanted/un-needed moments of my life that i feel comfortable to share. if you don't want to get know me and what really goes on in my head then just stick to small talk and questions like "how are you?" and i'll just give a short, un-invasive answer of my life. but it won't be what i'm truly feeling yenno.

that is all for now, now you all have a lovely day.

and no, that wasn't in a sarcastic or rude manner like "have a nice day bitches." 

it was an honest "have a lovely day" cause it's beautiful outside.

 and im gonna try hard to not let what sent my life on cruddy flip, to ruin this day. so good bye bad morning, hello maybe decent a-okay day?