alkdjfjkasdfjlfalkjadslfjadsl. ugggggggggh. that's all i can muster up right now -since i've given up cussing cause it's fowl and sounds disgusting- so my result to when i'm a tad upset over situtations is just jibberish (or 'dancing' when i have a fit, it's a sight to see really haha anyways) yeaaah just UGH. and why ever am i feeling so completely flustered and angry and confused and annoyed and just uggggggggg-uuh? two words to sum up all this horrible conflicting thoughts in my mind and uneasy motion sickness in my stomach, and those words are "ugh boys". it's like a roller coaster ride honestly, except rather then enjoying the thrills, sharp turns and speeding down to the bottom, the bottom sucks. it makes me feel bi-polar, like one day i like you then all of a sudden i despise you, like people blinded by love despise that person once the blind fold falls off. but then the next thing you know i'm all googly eyed la-dee-da, head-over-heels, floating in the sky full of cliches giddy.
why? why do i like you when you go around chatting up with anything that walks? making me feel invisible, but maybe cause you don't know i even have feelings for you so is it truly your fault? heh, who knows. but i do know the moment i saw her flaunty herself at you acting all girly and flirtatious (when she knows i like you, hah like highschool all over again) i honestly pictured myself pouncing on her like lindsay lohan imagined herself doing so in mean girls. and then that made me ask 'why?' again. why am i feeling jealous all of a sudden? i do not like that feeling. cause that must mean i like you a heck of a lot to be getting all protective over. i just don't like this whole falling for someone who doesn't even know you are, i just like the idea of falling in love with someone. yet i've never been in love really. will i ever be? i mean i don't like being volunerable and then knowing i could get hurt so easily, so i do the whole 'heh, i think i like you :)' all happy picturing us together then i stop before anything serious happiness. before i let my guard down and fully give you my heart or whatever. maybe i got daddy issues...maybe i'm one of those super feminist woman that doesn't need a man cause i'm independent...maybe i'm just a chicken claiming the sky's always falling when the stars are there shinning in the dark...maybe i'm just messed in the head and the problem.ugh.
i don't like this. i don't like this, i like you, i don't want to. i don't like this.i don't like this.
this is my theory as to why the whole boy likes girl, girl likes boy, results in utter chaos:
girl doesn't want to be volunerable and have her heart handled by someone who can easily destroy it
boy's oblivious and doesn't know what he wants
girl builds walls so high, they create a tower like that found in fairytales, then she waits for the strongest most handsomest knight/prince to come save her. so she waits and waits, and waits then someone comes along but she's been in that tower for so long she believes he just might be the one. then the dumb knight chills at the bottom of the tower shining his armour and fixing his hair, he doesn't realize there's a girl up there 'till a while. when he spots her, he then says some sweet nothings which send her into little dream land, and then he heads back to wherever he came from. so he visits her every other day to utter them sweet nothings, just enough for her to last till the next visit. and she sits there waiting to come down from the tower. she finally decides to walk down the flight of stairs of the tall tower but each time she gets to the bottom he's gone back and so she walks back up the steps and waits till the next day. but she's tired of pacing up and down the flight of stairs in the tower of the walls she built herself so she thinks maybe she can just tear them down herself and disappear into the horizon with him, and then she rethinks the idea 'but why if he didn't wait till i got to the bottom of the steps and just vanished into the night without me'. so she sits there waiting and thinking, and waiting and thinking, and not sleeping cause she's thinking while dreaming, and rethinking till her mind is smoking up like a computer covered in water, feeling as if her mind is to explode if she continues to overthink the whole 'he loves me, he loves me not' concept. to the point that she thinks
'whatever, dragons are cooler anyways. this bites. i'mma be a paper bag princess'.
but that's just my theory, not like i'm an expert or anything. i'm just a girl venting cause she's terrified of the unknown. she don't wanna kiss no frogs to find a prince, hates the sound of crashing buildings, and hates falling unless it's out of a plane.
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