ambivalent

am·biv·a·lent/amˈbivələnt/

Adjective:

Having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something or someone.

i just don't know anymore. i feel so confused and lost in a flood of thoughts, some good, some bad, and some i just don't know about. i hate being the bearer of bad news but at this point i don't think this can work out. and it hurts be to see how worried or upset you seemed today when i was deep in my thoughts. i know i was unresponsive and snide or just distant when you asked me what i was thinking about. i simply didn't know how to word it out properly. i don't know where to start.

you're great, you really are but something about you seems off to me. i prayed about 'us' last night before spending a year or more with you and later realizing it just didn't work out because i didn't pray if my last relationship was from God because to be honest having someone to be with and share life with and be held by is wonderful. but anyone can do that and only God knows who the right one is for me. i'm not sure if you're that one for me...

i suppose i could start off with what my best friend said i should do: "tell him you need more space and just remind him you just got out of a serious relationship not too long ago" "stick to your 6 month plan" i think that's what i'm going to do. it just sucks because you introduced me to your family and you've done all these sweet things for me and spoiled me lavishly but at the same time it's not like i asked for any of that- you did it willingly knowing i had set up this time limit thing and now you're acting as though im your girlfriend but im not. i'm not anyone's.

i don't want to belong to anyone but God right now. i think i really need to find who i am and what i'm going to do with my life. no persuasion or influence from a guy. i need to be single for a while. as great as it is to have someone to cuddle with i think working on myself is far more important.

it seems so selfish of me but i really can't afford to let this drag and then realize i don't know who i am or what im doing...

i'm terrified to verbally tell you this.