heart of the matter

i've spoken to my mom about this fork in the road i've arrived at. she told me to follow my heart that i would make the right decision. she told me to ask myself what i wanted.

well gabriela what do you want?

i want to escape. i don't want to stress about finances or how im about 40 bucks from hitting my credit limit. i don't want to over analyze things and every little part of my life. i don't want to freak out about if im going in the right direction for my future. to paint or not paint? to teach art or english here or in a school of girls in some far off land? to be writer? an illustrator? an ad-maker? i don't have a clue anymore. and i'm tired of wondering which to focus on. i just want to escape. if i could drive i'd probably be long gone so i suppose in a way its a good thing i can't. i want to get in a car and drive to Arizona. i don't know why i just feel this need to be in Arizona and see the desert. have a new backdrop to gaze out at. i want to travel all of Canada and experience the beauty in this country i live in. i want to see my family in costa rica. take a couple months out of the year to live with my uncle and aunt and learn how to create beautiful ceramics like they do. become pro at surfing and maybe teach others then come back home and bring those experiences here. i don't want to be in surrey anymore. it's dull and depressing. im fed up cleaning after my sister day after day after day. i want my own quaint little place with a big enough space to create whatever i please. that's what i want. but it feels so impossible. i know some of those things will occur someday. they just seem improbable at the moment...

knowing me, i'll probably take up the painter job and slave away this summer in order to pay off my debt and save for future adventures. hey, i think i've decided what i'm going to do. now i realize why i started blogging in the first place.